In This Article

• Why selective memory can help create greater peace of mind
• How repeatedly retelling old hurts keeps us emotionally connected to the pain
• Why we may repeat painful stories until we discover the lesson hidden within them
• How to let go of resentment and find inner peace
• Why being willing to release the past can open the door to forgiveness and inner peace
  
  

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Let It Go and Just Forget About It

by Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com

I used to think I had a bad memory because I forgot so many things. However, I've come to realize that I actually have a very good memory, though it's selective. I deliberately choose to forget a lot of things. Why? For several reasons.

Who Needs All That Stuff Anyway?

My main reason is to keep my brain uncluttered. Thus, I consciously choose not to remember certain unimportant things. I feel that process has contributed greatly to my peace of mind. After all, do I really need to remember the exact price, to the penny, that I paid for something? Do I really need to remember exactly what I ate three weeks ago? Do I really need to remember something said in an unimportant or uneventful conversation? I think not.

Since my goal is always inner peace, and the mind can be the most disruptive force to inner peace, my intent is to keep my mind uncluttered. The less garbage that goes into my mind, the less comes out, and, of course, the less stays in there.

Through the years, I've consciously chosen to forget a lot of things. And this applies just as well to "bad things" that happened to me, as well as insults or injustices that came my way.

Now, I have developed this art a bit further. I not only choose to forget things from the past, but I also let current conversations and experiences go once they're done. I choose not to let them clutter up my mind. And this was demonstrated clearly to me recently in a conversation with a friend.

I Remember the Bottom Line

She had had a misunderstanding with a mutual friend, and she told me "her side" or her perception of the story. Basically, he had done something that she felt was unfair to me.

When I saw him a few days later, since I was involved in the misunderstanding, I brought it up to clarify it for myself and to make sure there was no "bad blood" between us.

He explained his reasoning for what he had done. After I listened to his explanation, it made perfect sense to me. And I let it go.

I saw no need to hold on to the whole story in my mind, the misunderstanding and why or why not he had acted as he did. We discussed it, he clarified his point of view, I accepted his perspective, and, as far as I was concerned, it was over and done with.

Then, when I was speaking with friend number one a few days later, she brought up the situation again. I said, oh, I talked to him, and it's all been cleared up. It's fine.

Of course, she wanted to know how it had been cleared up, but I had let it go. I could not remember the list of things he had told me that explained his behavior. I just remembered that my conclusion was that it was okay, and I had wiped the slate clean.

Unfortunately, that meant I wasn't much help when she wanted to hear all the details. I had forgotten them. I had just kept the conclusion.

I realized this is how my mind now works. I often remember the bottom line and let the supporting details go, whether it's something I've read, a conversation I've had, or an experience I've worked through. I remember the lesson and the wisdom and let the lead-up to that conclusion go.

Have We Really Let It Go?

You may know people who say they have forgiven someone, but then go on to list all the things this person has done over the years that have aggravated them. Listening to these people might make you wonder, not just about them but about all of us, you and I included.

If we say we've forgiven someone, why do we still feel the need to keep telling the story?

Maybe we haven't really forgiven at all. Or, maybe we have forgiven some part of it, but another part is still hanging around. Or maybe there's still something in the experience that we haven't understood or learned from yet, so we keep rehashing it. Maybe there's a deeper truth we still need to discover.

Whatever the reason, my recommendation to myself and to you is that once we've gotten whatever wisdom we need from the experience, we consider simply forgetting the grievance.

Rehashing and relisting all the things someone did that weren't right, weren't fair, or that we didn't agree with only creates emotional muck in our minds. We end up living in the past rather than in the present.

So my prescription for a happy life is: just forget about it. Forget about the grudges and the things people did or didn't do, or said or didn't say. Forget about all the times you felt hurt or angry or upset.

Remembering and rehashing stressful events can be harmful physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Letting go of those things, on the other hand, contributes to greater well-being on all levels.

Let It Go

I now realize that I actually do have a good memory, but I also have a practice of letting go. I let go of the things that aggravated me, the things I reacted to with anger, hurt, feelings of rejection or abandonment, or whatever. Those are the things we need to forget.

And we can use different processes to do that.

If you're a visual person, imagine a huge whiteboard in front of you with all those grievances written on it, and simply erase them.

If you're more of an audio person, imagine that you have a recorder in your brain, which you do, and push the rewind and delete button.

Or if you're more tactile, write down all the things you've been storing in your memory and, over a safe surface such as a sink or fire pit, light the paper and let it burn into nothingness.

You may come up with more imaginative ways to get rid of your inner list of grievances. The method isn't what's important. What's important is that we stop hanging on to all this yucky stuff and remembering it over and over again. You know what I'm talking about: what he did, what she said, what he didn't do, what she should have done, or whatever other negative narrative we've been carrying around.

It's in the past. Hanging on to it only hurts us.

Why Do We Keep Telling the Same Story?

When you find yourself telling the same negative story over and over again, to yourself or to others, ask yourself: Why am I doing this? What am I gaining by repeating this story?

Sometimes we may be hoping the person we're talking to will reassure us that we were right and the other person was wrong. We've all been there.

But the person who really matters is the one who's holding the story in their mind and heart, and that's us. So perhaps the more useful question is: Does retelling this story bring me joy, peace, understanding, or well-being?

I'd be willing to bet that, if we're honest with ourselves, the answer is usually no. Every time we bring up these poor-me stories, we put ourselves back in that time and place, feeling the hurt, anger, disappointment, or frustration all over again.

But perhaps there's another reason we keep repeating these stories.

Maybe we haven't yet discovered the wisdom or lesson hidden in the experience. Maybe our inner self keeps bringing the story back because there's something there that we still need to see and learn.

So rather than asking only, "Why am I repeating this story?" perhaps we can also ask, "What was I meant to learn from this experience? What bit of wisdom do I need to extract from it?"

Maybe the lesson is that I need better boundaries. Maybe I need to speak up for myself. Maybe I need to listen more carefully. Maybe I need to pay more attention to what is actually happening rather than to what I want to believe is happening.

Whatever the lesson may be, once we find it, we can keep the wisdom and let go of the grievance.

The event itself is over. We can't change it. All we can change is what happens next.

But Won't They Just Do It Again?

People will say, "Oh no, you can't forget about it, because then they'll do it again."

But forgetting the trespass doesn't mean forgetting the wisdom we gained from the experience. There is a difference between remembering the lesson and remembering the hurt.

We can let go of the hurt, anger, resentment, and story while retaining the wisdom the experience gave us.

It's a little like a village that was once attacked by a bear. The villagers may decide to build a wall to protect themselves. But once the wall is built, do they need to spend every day remembering the bear attack? Do they need to keep talking about how frightened they were, what the bear did, and how terrible the whole experience was?

No. They learned something from the experience, they built the boundary they needed, and now they can get on with their lives.

The same can be true for us. Our experiences may teach us to establish boundaries and to respect ourselves enough to know what we will and will not accept. But once we've learned that lesson, we don't have to keep carrying around the hurt that taught it to us.

However, there's an important distinction: a judgment is not necessarily wisdom.

If someone has betrayed our trust, we might decide that the lesson is, I'll never trust that person again. But that's not really a lesson. That's a judgment based on the past and projected into the future.

Perhaps the wisdom is simply that I will pay attention. I will be aware of what is being said and done in the present moment, and I will decide, in that moment, whether this person is deserving of my trust.

I don't have to decide beforehand based on something they did five years ago, five months ago, or even yesterday.

We can retain the wisdom without retaining the wound. We can keep the boundary without keeping the grievance. And we can remain aware in the present without dragging the past along with us.

So if somebody was rude to you, the next time you see them, rather than automatically face them with a defensive attitude, give them a chance to start fresh. Maybe they were having a bad day or a series of bad days.

And give yourself that same chance. Meet what is happening now rather than what happened then.

What Were We Fighting About?

I remember hearing about two family members who had not spoken to each other for decades because of an argument they'd had. But the saddest thing was that neither of them remembered what the argument had been about.

They remembered that there had been an argument, and they remembered their perception that the other person was wrong. They hung on to that memory and attitude. And for decades they did not speak to each other without even remembering why.

How sad is that?

And we can do the same thing in smaller ways every time we meet somebody with whom we had a conflict and keep that conflict present in our mind and heart. We may be talking to them, but we're still harboring resentment, which colors everything that happens between us. It puts up a wall of negativity, doubt, and mistrust.

So it's best to just forget about it. No one's perfect, least of all ourselves.

Seven Times Seventy

What comes to mind is when Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive. If I recall correctly, the answer was not seven, but seven times seventy. In other words, just keep forgiving. And for me, forgiving means forgetting, contrary to what we've sometimes been told.

If I'm still hanging on to it, rehashing it, and carrying the grievance around with me, then I haven't completely given it up yet.

For-give. Give it up. Give it away.

And what you get in return is inner peace, an uncluttered mind that is not constantly reliving old stories, old arguments, and old defenses.

You can have peace of mind.

I'm Willing to Let It Go

So take a deep breath and tell yourself, I'm willing to let the past go. Then exhale deeply, pushing out the air like a raging storm. Do that several times and allow yourself to let it go.

Notice I suggested you say, I'm willing to let it go, not I let it go.

We may not know how to let it go. It's not something we've generally been taught.

So just be willing to let it go, and let your mind and body take care of the rest. Willingness is the first step.

Be willing to let go of the I'm right, and they're wrong, I'm the better person, I'm going to stay on standby so this person never does this to me again, and all the rest of it.

Be willing to let all of that go.

And be willing to let the miracle of life and of love take place in your life.

There's an affirmation I really like:

I call upon Divine Love to perform any miracle needed in this situation.

And the miracle we need might simply be help letting go of grudges and resentments.

If we are willing to do it and we call upon Divine Love to make it happen, then so it will be.

And then just forget about it.

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal empowerment, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com

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Article Recap:

Learning how to let go of resentment does not mean forgetting the wisdom gained from painful experiences. By releasing old hurts and grievances while retaining healthy boundaries and valuable lessons, we can stop living in the past and create greater inner peace in the present.

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