Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. The world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world. -- Marianne Williamson

When we practice stepping aside, letting what is, be, rather than bulldozing our way over or through the situations that have drawn our attention, we allow life to flow smoothly forward. Surrendering to the uncontrollable, (and all things separate from us are uncontrollable) rather than insisting our opinions; our way of doing tasks; our outlook on life, particularly on how others should see life too; is a peace-filled choice. Actually, it’s the only reasonable choice.

I never saw surrender in a positive way in my family of origin. Never. My father was ALWAYS RIGHT! No matter what the conversation entailed and no matter who was involved, there were no compromises to be made with him. My life has markedly improved since embracing the idea of surrender. And my life is far more peaceful too. As Marianne Williamson says in the above quote, something amazing indeed does happen when we give up or give in, when we let go and release.

Surrender: Another Word for Love

It has been a long, oftentimes arduous journey traveling from there to here, but the peace I now feel on a daily basis is the gift of learning there is another way to navigate through life — a way that is far more accommodating to the soul, mine and everyone else’s too. It’s called surrendering; I see it as another word for love.

When you think there is only one way to see life, your way, your resistance to change can be especially daunting. Incrementally it began to happen for me. And with each tiny change, each experience with surrendering, I could see the payoffs mounting.

The tutelage of others proved mandatory for me to grow, but I had resisted learning from others all my life. I recall how hard my dad had struggled to convince me to see life his way. He failed, of course. Our dance of discord lasted for many years. Fortunately, as my life changed, so did our dance.

I had to surrender my attempts to control other people’s lives. My control wasn’t needed or wanted by anyone. One really good friend often said, “There are two kinds of business, Karen. Your business and none of your business.” Hearing this was my cue to surrender.

Surrender: Giving Up Control on the Lives of Others

Learning how to let go seemed ludicrous. I had set some big goals, and how was I going to accomplish them if I just let go?

It felt so foreign at first, but it’s amazing how good surrender feels to me now. After years of living in dysfunction, surrender initially feels like a cowardly act, particularly if one parent was a bully of sorts. It might seem to us that surrender allows others to walk all over us.

Surrendering became easier the more I practiced it. It became more appealing too. Perhaps I got tired of being in a state of conflict all the time. The inner tension was exhausting. Being willing to surrender — giving up control over the lives of others (which we can’t control anyway) and simply enjoying the fruits of my own life has given me immeasurable pleasure.

Surrender: Releases the Tightness in Your Shoulders or Chest

Let me describe just how surrender looks. It can take many forms. It may be a comment like “You might be right.” It may be a soft silence. Perhaps it’s a nod of the head. It sidesteps a rebuttal that can lead to an unnecessary conflict, and, in reality, all conflicts are unnecessary.

We will inevitably fail in our attempts to control others, in one way or another, so surrendering this impulse is all that makes sense. When it becomes your daily practice, surrendering begins to feel like a breath of fresh air coupled with the release of the tightness in your shoulders or your chest. I know. It has become my path. My practice. My prayer.

Surrendering has changed every relationship I cherish. It even has the power to change the fleeting relationships in my day. The angry store clerk, the tailgating driver, the bickering neighbors can all be “sent on their way” with a nod of the head or shrug of the shoulders and a quietly spoken blessing.

Surrender: Allows Others To Be Who They Are

I’ve said before on many occasions that we come here to learn certain lessons. And those we sit among are our teachers. Because I believe this, I also accept that my friends, my family, and my spouse are my constant teachers. And if the lesson I need to learn is “letting go,” allowing others to be who they are, I will get myriad opportunities to surrender my attempts to control anyone else. Again and again, our teachers will appear and we will get our chance to practice, to hone to near perfection, the gift of surrendering. As we practice surrender, our life becomes more functional.

I find myself extremely moved by the very idea of surrender, no doubt because it has so changed my perspective, my level of peace, on a daily basis. I used to be that person who always wanted to tweak, even a tiny bit, “your ” behavior, “your” opinion, “your” attire. I didn’t know how to leave you alone.

Surrender: Brings the Gift of Freedom

Every day now I can look around myself and be glad that I have not a whit of power to change anyone else. The very act of trying to change others is exhausting. I can honestly celebrate the choices my husband and others make. I can love him and them so much more easily.

Attending to one life — mine — rather than all the lives of the many who people my world is freedom. Surrender is the action. Freedom is the gift.

*Subtitles by InnerSelf

©2013 by Karen Casey. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Conari Press,
an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. www.redwheelweiser.com.

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The Good Stuff from Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family: How to Survive and Then Thrive
by Karen Casey.

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About the Author

Karen Casey is a popular speaker at recovery and spirituality conferences throughout the country. She conducts Change Your Mind workshops nationally, based on her bestselling Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow. She is the author of 19 books, including Each Day a New Beginning which has sold more than 2 million copies. Read her blog at www.karencasey.wordpress.com