What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
How many times have you had this conversation? Something is obviously wrong, but it is not being acknowledged. Hiding places do not work in healthy relationships. Never have. Never will.
One of the reasons we tend to play the game of hide-and-seek in relationships is that we feel that if someone truly loves us, understands us, and cares about our well-being, they ought to be able to intuitively know what we are feeling. Do you know what that is called? It’s an assumption. And you know what assumptions are in relationships, don’t you? That’s right. They’re clutter. Love does not make anyone a mind reader.
Stop Playing Guessing Games: Relationships Thrive in the Open
We hide ourselves because we want desperately to be found. It’s ridiculous, this game. It’s like playing hide-and-seek and not telling the other person you’re playing. Of course, no one is going to come look for you if they don’t know you’re hiding. Stop playing games. If you want to be found, come out into the light where you can be seen. Don’t expect people to prove their love to you by hunting for your feelings.
Are you hurt? Say you are hurt.
Are you lonely? Say you are lonely.
Are you afraid? Say you are afraid.
Relationships are doomed in the shadows—but they thrive in the open.
Looking Into the Dark Corners of Your Heart
Looking into your heart can be even more terrifying than looking into a cluttered closet or a dank basement. The buildup of emotions that we keep in our hearts can be even more treacherous territory than the physically cluttered places in our homes.
Have you ever told a story from your childhood—not a traumatic event, just some petty annoyance—like the way your brother always claimed the best slice of meat for himself at dinner without ever asking if you wanted it, or how your teacher in second grade never called on you, no matter how high you raised your hand?
When you tell this story, do you feel your anger and irritation rising as if it were happening all over again? This might have happened twenty, thirty, forty years ago, but you still feel your neck get hot. You still want to give your brother or your teacher a piece of your mind. But then you realize, deep down, that they are not there for you to complain to (and even if they were, it would be a little late to be bringing it up). So you push it back into the closet of your heart. The unfortunate thing is, if you keep hiding these emotions, they will crop up at the most inopportune time.
Maybe your boyfriend reaches for the biggest slice of cake without asking and you blow up at him. You accuse him of being the most selfish person on earth. He looks at you like you’ve lost you mind. Or your boss doesn’t call on you in a staff meeting, and you seethe at the injustice. You’re not mad at your boyfriend or your boss. You’re mad at your brother and your teacher.
Learning to Coax Emotions Out of Hiding
So when we feel these uncomfortable feelings, whether they are irritation, anger, sadness, or fear, you are going to learn to not push them away. You are going to coax them out of their hiding places and let them know that you are there for them.
Here is the simple prescription. You will say, as you would to a small child who is trying like crazy to get your attention, “Hello, [difficult or uncomfortable emotion]. I see you are there. I know you are in pain. I am here to take care of you.”
No more pushing emotions in the closet. No more emotions jumping out at inappropriate times. Just a simple acknowledgment. Bring these emotions out into the light, where they can be seen. Remember, we’re not dealing with monsters that need to be battled here. We’re dealing with small, frightened children that need to be attended to. Be the adult. Don’t push them away.
Just Say No Without Making Excuses!
Part of the way we clearly express who we are is by what we choose to do with our time. The other way we clearly say who we are is by what we choose not to do with our time. We often create the clutter of misunderstanding by making excuses for why we choose not to participate in certain activities or take on certain obligations.
There is nothing wrong with saying no. Of course we are all fearful of hurting someone else’s feelings when we do. We don’t want them to take it personally. Most of the time, it’s truly not personal, but one thing is guaranteed: it will be taken that way if you make an excuse and get caught in it. Throughout this book (breathing room), we have encouraged you to learn to say no, and we hope you have been practicing. Now we must learn to say no without making excuses. It is just another measure of your innate courage and your willingness to shine through in your beautiful essence.
When you say no, it’s important to be honest and forthright about what your priorities are and why this particular activity or role does not fit into your life at the moment. Part of our spiritual development has to do with being honest and clear with ourselves and others. Your word is your bond and your power. Words have the remarkable ability to manifest into the world. Genesis 1:1–31 tells us that the Divine One spoke this world into existence. Your words also hold the power to form your existence.
No More Hiding Behind Excuses
This is a simple formula that you can use:
Thank you for asking me to _____________________________.
Right now, I am focusing my time and energy on ___________________________________, so I am going to have to decline, though I do appreciate the offer.
What are your other options? Saying yes and feeling resentful or regretful? That is emotional clutter. Making up a lie and getting caught or living in fear of being caught? That is clutter as well!
Anything but honesty is bound to create clutter in your heart or in your relationships. You can’t afford either.
You can only afford honesty—with yourself and others.
©2014 Lauren Rosenfeld & Melva Green. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission from Atria Books/
Beyond Words Publishing. www.beyondword.com
Article Source
Breathing Room: Open Your Heart by Decluttering Your Home
by Lauren Rosenfeld and Dr. Melva Green.
Click here for more info and/or to order this book on Amazon
About the Authors
Lauren Rosenfeld, M.A., M.Ed, is a Soul Declutterer and a Spiritual Treasure Hunter. Since childhood, she has been a spiritual intuitive who is able to see spiritual lessons shining even in life's most challenging situations. She has written two books to guide readers toward finding miracles within the mundane: "Your To Be List" and "Breathing Room: Open Your Heart by Decluttering Your Home". Lauren blogs about everyday miracles and mysticism at lgrosenfeld.com.
Dr. Melva Green is a board certified psychiatrist, TV personality, and spiritual healer. She is an expert doctor on the popular and critically acclaimed A&E show Hoarders. Dr. Green lives in Costa Rica with her son where she will soon be opening a center for healing arts dedicated to “Healing the Healers”, a retreat for medical professionals in need of emotion healing and spiritual renewal.
Watch a video with Lauren Rosenfeld: When Happiness Comes Knocking
Watch a video with Dr. Melva Green: Traditional Healing Practices: One Of The Richest Resources of Africa
